Here is a picture of me getting some blood. I want to tell you all once again, how important it is to donate blood. I have received likely over 70 transfusions of blood products, which include red blood cells, platlets, and other clotting factors. Without these donations I would not be alive, they have literally saved my life. If you go and donate any type of blood products you will be saving a life. If you want to go a step further you can register for the bone marrow donor registry.

Here is Former Heavyweight contender Scott LaDeux. He fought some of the greatest champions, including the man, Ali. He was full of life and it was a great visit. My mother and my beautiful girlfriend Sara were there with me to enjoy this man who is full of life. He says that George Foreman hit the hardest, second only Ken Norton.
A special thanks to the old fat guy that wakes up at 5 every morning for my viking medallions.

Results of love

Hey everybody, well I managed to do it. Because of the love and support of my beautiful family, and the prayers and thoughts from you all, the anonymous gifts, the kind words, because of all these... i am now in Remission again. This means that they could not find any cancer cells in the bone marrow sample they took.
So, I will be going home tomorrow, though I am not sure where home will be because Sara and I are looking for an apartment.
Then three to four weeks later I will be coming back to the hospital and begin my transplant. It is weird to be excited for something that is going to make me incredibly sick, but it is the only treatment available that could 'cure' me.
Relish in this good news,
Thank you for your love,
JJ

Our Journey now Begins...this was the easy part, please stick with me, your love gives me energy.

Biopsy...again

Hey,
Yesterday I had another biopsy. Because of all of the narcotics I am on and ontop of that the pre-drugs used for the biopsy itself, I slept from 12 to nine at night!! And two hours later I went to bed...That is a lot of sleeping.

Early results look promising. The aspirate (liquid part) shows no leukemic blasts. This is very great, but it is not the whole story, that is written by the bone core.

I will let you know the results,
JJ

Strategic outpouring of love comes on worst of days

So, I received about 30 to 40 emails from people I didn’t know over the last few days. This got my mysterious stories heart a pumping...CIA...FBI...FEMA...AAA...PTA...NVCR, where could these people be emailing from. It is too early for my Jerry Springer Newsletter, I got the I hate Liberals and ten things I can do to stop them pamphlet last week, and My scholarly journal Ants and Us is not due until next month. Well I brave the possibility of a super virus shutting down Fairview entire computer system and started to open some up. Surprisingly, they all started the same way, "You don't know me but I got your email address from Linda and I have been reading your blog, you are the wisest human being in the world...ever, you have changed my life forever...blah, blah, blah." After thirty minutes or so of basking in the greatness of JJ, I usually try to find something trashy on the TV to bring my massive ego down to Earth...I've got a lot of work to do.
I guess for the first or second time I will try to be serious on this site. After a bout of twitching during my last chemo treatment, the fear of what these drugs can actually do to you was abundantly clear. The fear of what I might look like... or what weird ticks or twitches I will have...will I be up to 100%...will I be in a wheelchair? All became constant thoughts or daymeres.
Then I started to have pain. Pain in my legs, in my arms, in my ankles, knees, in my arms, shoulders, in my upper, middle, and lower back, in my pelvis region including my biopsy site. In you are in a hospital you are suppose to rate your pain on a scale one to ten, ten being the worst most excruciating pain you have ever felt. My pain has been consistently in the 6-9 region, so bad...really, really bad. As I was suffering through some of the worst pain of my life I felt alone and I often push myself into isolation, but just when the pain was at it apex, the loneliness it deepest valley, your emails pulled me back into reality. The love that you have all shown me and my family is truly amazing, especially those that support my mother.
Thank you so much and any love that give ourselves or give to each other gets passed along to others…at least I think so

Long,
JJ
Ps Thanks especially to the person that got me Gift Cert. to AMAZON.com…I LOVE BOOKS!!!!

Bad blogger...bad blogger

Ok, so its been awhile, I know I know I am sorry. And I know excuses are lame and often just plain lies but here are my excuses. I am having major computer issues and using there computer means that I have stand the whole time I am typing, and well frankly, I am a wuss and I can't stand up for more than 20 minutes or so. Also, I don't know whether it is due to chemo or due to the new and much higher amount of narcotics, but I am sleeping a lot...I am maybe awake for five hours.
Anyways, now my computer seems to be behaving (unless I just jinxed it) so now I can write sitting down. Also, I am getting more used to the narcotic and do not sleep as much. Well, I suppose since it has been quite a while since I have last posted, I should give some sort of an update. I have not gotten all of my results back from the biopsy, but they did say that the aspirate (the juice of the marrow) was low in cells and that none of those cells were leukemic. It does not say anything about what is in the core. We will get these results either today or tomorrow.
I also am experiencing a hell of a lot of pain. Consequently I am on a lot of narcotics, which barely lower the pain, but do make me feel spacey. There are times when I can barely move, other times where I cry out in agony, I have to wear stupid anti-embellism socks and well it just basically sucks. It feels like if its not one thing its another. Well, Sara and Laura just showed up so I must go, I will try to write more later.
Love you all,
JJ
PS I promise to be better about writting, even if I have to stand up.

Another Day, Another few dead blood cells

So, the point of my chemotherapy is to kill the cancer cells. Unfortunately, the normal cells look no different from the cancerous cells, well at least to the timy little chemical molecules, can you imagine how cute their little itty bitty eyes would be...ok, anyways...so, the chemo just kills all of my blood cells it comes in contact with. One consequence is that it kills much of my platlets, which means that I bruise easily, and I can bleed severly if I am cut, if they get too low, I could bleed spontaneously inside, like in my brain.
Two, It kills my red blood cells, these cells carry oxygen, so they give you a lot of energy. When I am low I can really feel it and I totally feel like a vampire...I do look over my shoulder to see if wesley snipes is coming to kill me, but then they give me a few transfusion and I feel great for a few days. If they weren't so risky I am sure they would open up blood bars, cause it is totally like a quadruple triple espresso.
Three, it kills my white blood cells, including the bad leukemia cells and the good neutrophil cells. Good when it kills the leukemic cells, bad when it kills the neutrophils. Neutrophils are our first defense against disease. Most people have 1.6-8.3 10^9/L in their blood, right now I am under 0.3 10^9/L...it is so low that they stop counting, it is basically undetectable. This means that I am extremely succeptible to illnesses like colds, and other such things, expecially respritory stuff. When I am out of my hospital room I have to where a mask and when anyone comes in they have to wash their hands with anti-septic soap stuff. This is perhaps the most dangerous part of my treatment. I must not get sick from something because my body cannot fight it, even a cold could kill me!
So, I already told you they stopped my treatment and that we hope that I got enough anyways, and now I must wait until my next biopsy which is on Friday, Sept. 23. The results of which will tell us where we go next.
Well, this is a little practical update. I hope you enjoyed it and I hope you all are doing well.
Love,
JJ

Simple message...simple truth.

Great picture of Camy and me...He is such a part of my heart. I love him so much. I didn't think I would feel so strongly about a nephew, but it almost feels like he is mine. I love it, when he says 'love you uncle jj'

Me and my beautiful nephew Cameron. I am giving him a big kiss and hug, he seems more interested in his daddy taking the picture.

The People's champion sleeping and dreaming about knocking out leukemia, 1,2,3....8,9,10!!

Real Self Portrait, me smiling before the treatments began...not smilin so much after the treaments began.

Attempt at a self-portrait, didn't work...or maybe it did??

Here is my bro Jason in my hospital room. He has been a source of constant love and support.

Its been awhile...

I am sorry that I haven't written anything in a while. For one, I am back in the hospital for the HD Ara-c treatment and my computer was not hooked up to the internet, and I would have had to stand up to write a posting, and that would have been too hard for me.
The last few days have been really hard. This treatment is really kicking my ass and in fact my doctors have stopped my treatment early for fear of permanent brain damage. Last night, during my treatment I started shaking and flinch without control. So they do not wish to risk damageing my premanently. In addition to all of this, I have been totally shot of energy, and my appetite is non-existent. Even when I try to force myself to eat, I can not eat very much, a few bites and then I get sick of it. I have been sleeping most of the day, but today I am getting two packs of red blood cells, so I should have a little more energy over the next few days.
I hope all of you are doing well. I will try to write more soon.
Love,
JJ
AKA Twitchy boy.

UNwanted comments

I am sure some of you have noticed odd comments, some about real estate about french porn (boy that must be exciting) anyways, I am not sure what to do about this but I will try to find out. For now I will just delete them as soon as I see them. SOrry.
JJ

Bag of Tricks

Well, I got the results of my biopsy this morning. Unfortunately the results were not what I wanted. I was hoping for 0% or at least close to zero. The reality is that the last two treatments didn't seem to reduce the leukemia at all. They stopped from growing more but did not reduce it. So I am still around 17-18%

The good news is that they are nowhere near the bottom of their bag of tricks. So, Tomorrow I will be heading into the hospital again to recieve more treatment. The drug that I originally took was under a class of drugs called Antitumor Antibodies. They now believe that this class will no longer work on my highly aggressive leukemia. The drug will be adminstered in a High Dose form it is called Ara-C or cytarbine. It is classed under Antimetabolites. To give you all some idea of what High dose or HD means, the regular dose is 200 milligrams/m^2/day (the m stands for your body area). I will be getting 2g/m2 (that is ten times the normal dose) and I will be getting this twice a day....YIKES!!
Well, there it is the bare stinky reality. I will allow you to process this for awhile and then I will tell you how I deal with this sort of news.

Love ya,
JJ

10th BM biopsy

Hey kids,
Yesterday I had my tenth bone marrow biopsy. I think I already described this barbaric procedure on this blog before, so I will spare you the details here. Everything went fine and now we have an appointment at 10am with Dr. Hammerschmidt to go over the results and talk about options.
Best case scenario is the results are 0% and we can go right to transplant starting next monday. Worst case I still have some blasts (cancer) and we have to pursue other options of treatment. There really are only two choices. High Dose Ara-c, which could potentially cause long-term and even permanent CNS (central nervous system) problem, including not being able to walk. The second choice is an experimental drug that only one other person in the world has tried. He did it here and is now going through the transplant, but still one person, yikes!!
The third choice I guess is to throw in the towel and chill until the big freeze comes.
I will let you all know what the results are and what we intend on doing.

Love ya,
JJ
PS I do have a picture that Sara took during the procedure I will put it up later today.

The Dark Places

Yes, I am brave, I am Strong, and I do not fear death. My mother's gracious words are dead (no pun intended) on. Humbily, I accept her opinion of me and the lessons I have taught her. Gratefully, I must acknowledge that I have learned these from many different teachers. I don't want to get all religious on ya, but most of these lessons I have learned from my gurus or Buddhist teachers, some of whom I have never met, in person that is. Though this next qoute from Thich Nhat Hanh can be seen as depressing, I read it and smile for I am liberated by its truth: "Breathing in and out, I am aware of the fact that I am of the nature to die; I cannot escape dying. I am of the nature to grow old; I cannot escape old age. I am of the nature to get sick. Because I have a body, I cannot avoid sickness. Everything I cherish. treasure and cling to today, I will have to abandon one day. The only thing I can carry with me is the fruit of my own action. I cannot bring along with me anything else except the fruit of my actions in terms of thought, speech and bodily acts."
In our country, most hide from death, we don't even want to discuss it let alone see it. We sterilize our funerals, we are not allowed to see our soldiers who have died coming home in caskets and it took a relapse of leukemia for me to really, fully comprehend the fact that this body I have is not immortal. Death is often seen as a failure, as the end, not as I see it-- as a continuation and, yes, even an opportunity for spiritual growth. But, you are so young...its not fair, I hear a lot, especially from those in the medical field. Yes, I am young and I would like to continue my life, continue to help others, but I might not be able to. I have loved my life, I have led a fruitful and hilarious life. Many of our greatest artists have died young. Rimbaud stopped writting when he was 17. Age is not important, what is important is how we live our life. The central question to any situation should be, if one wants to live a fruitful life, is 'is what I am doing helping relieve the suffering of others, or I am doing this solely out of greed or selfishness?' I often fail this test...way too often. I have not always lived my life to this standard, but I have tried.
I was supposed to talk about the dark places I go and I do go there, I reside there, but I learn there, I take it in and try to transform it, often I fail, but sometimes I don't, sometimes I am able to transform negative energy into positive energy. Now if I can just figure out how to turn coal into gold.

I must go eat lunch.
I love you all,
JJ-The people's champion & number 1 contender for the rock cubed championship

A Mother's Ramblings

Hi To All, Finally I have this author thing figured out thanks to Jason (blog name brother). It is early Saturday morning and I have been awake since 3. In the still of the darkness the nightmares are scary and reality becomes clearer without all of the static. My mind goes to places it doesn't want to go. Of course it is always there, but I get distracted with the responsibilities of life. But the truth is there is so much about this experience that is unspeakable. I have been astounded by the eloquence of JJ and his older brother Jason. I have been frustrated with my own inability to put into words how this feels-to try to say something profund that will bring some clarity. But alas, for someone who uses words to inspire others, to reach out to others, I am at a loss. I doubt that I have much wisdom to impart. Others who have walked this path before me could speak far more eloquently than my self.

But here are some stream-of-counsciousness thoughts because I seem unable to articulate my thoughts in any organized way....

JJ is one of the most intentional people I have ever met. There is a lot that goes on inside of him that is not visible...like when he learned to walk..(not once but twice because he badly broke his femur when he was 4) He just got up and walked one day...no lead up to it...just walked. Or when he learned how to ride a bike. He just got on the bike and rode it... no attempts, no falls with skinned knees. No...he just got on the bike and rode it. This was my first insight to the inner life of an introvert. We extroverts like to talk about it, describe it, engage people into conversations about it.... So having said that, it is not by accident that he titles his blog a "journey" and what an incredible journey he is on...and he is taking all of us on this journey with him. So many people who taken the time to visit this blog have commented to me how raw, how honest his reflections are. The fact that he has laid bare this experience for all of us is his badge of courage...he is not only taking himself to unfamiliar places, he is taking all of us who dare go to those places too. He is intensely private as he reminds me everyday. When the Mom in me takes over and wants to demand that he share every detail. The fact that he is sharing his journey with all of us is incredibly courageous for him. But there is something very existential about this experience because ultimately there are parts of it that he must travel alone. We can walk next to him, but he decides the path, the direction, how much/how little he chooses to share. Not easy for a person like me who thrives on being in control. Here's a thought: how much control do we really have? About anything? Just how we travel the journey I guess. When I become outraged at the trivialities of conversations overheard, when envy creeps in as I watch JJ's peers pursuing their dreams, when I witness others going about their lives without much thought about the monsters that lurk in the shadows who can grab you and change your life on a dime I have to take a step back and say to myself this is not a good use of my energy. It is what it is...there will be plenty of time somewhere down the road for reflection, truths, profoundity. This morning Bill and I found the key to our clock so we could wind it up. We celebrated. My first thought was.."This is a great day!" When life is so incredibly painful finding the key to the clock can be a huge blessing!

So when my shadow beckons I try to focus on the truths I have gathered so far...
Life is so damn unfair
Some people really do have more than their share (witness those in New Orleans)
Some people are born to greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them. As JJ's Mom I believe he has both.
This journey is JJ's legacy. He is asking all of us to open ourselves up so that we can be better human beings if he leaves us.
People have asked me "How can you work? How can you go on?" There is really nothing magical about it. We do what we have to do. I have a mortgage and bills just like the rest of you. I have work that needs to get done...so I do it just as you would if it were you. That's what we as humans do...that's all we can do. I have walked this path many times before. It is very familiar. All too familiar. But each time it has a nuance, a new truth.
And then amidst all of this are many blessings: A sweet, gentle spirit named JJ who has taught me things no one ever has, my incredible, courageous children, my life partner whose heart expands each day as he tries to support me and JJ, some life-long friends who hold me up, some loving co-workers, some good-old fashioned Norwegian fortitude (yah sure you betcha) a good therapist, and an inner knowing that somehow we will survive this and add more patina to our battered hearts.

Despite the terror that must lurk in JJ's heart in the middle of the night and the early morning wakings he somehow manages to make me laugh. He always makes our family laugh. And if this wretched disease takes him, who will make us laugh? Perhaps you have appreciated that wry humor as well in his writings. But let me remind all of you- he is so medically fragile, his prognosis is iffy and he is against the ropes (again a boxing metaphor) But the boxer in him has a few more moves and there are a host of us in his corner. God I hate this opponent. You can't look away for a second because it is ready to deliver a knockout blow. So we remain vigilant, we cheer him on, ...

"What can I do?" Dear, dear friends. We understand your helplessness. We feel so woefully inadequate at times ourselves to give you an answer. We don't know what to say. But for those of you who truly want to help here are some thoughts:
1. Donate blood in JJ's name
2. Donate gas cards for Sara (JJ's fiancee) because right now she shuttles betwen Eau Claire and here.
3. Buy parking vouchers for family members who need to be with JJ in the hospital. They are $50. for 30 days.
4. Buy JJ some Kit Kats. He loves them.
5. Get JJ anything chocolate. Sorry no nuts. He is allergic to them now.
6. Donate massages to JJ. Although he will probably be in the hospital this next week. I think they have massage therapists in the hospital. I will have to find that out.
7. Buy the most recent issue of Boxing Digest (can get at Barnes and Noble) I think he has September's issue
8. Donate phone cards for his hospital stay.
9. Get him gift certificates to bookstores. He is a voracious reader.
10. Post something on his blog.
11. Send him your love and encouragement (everyday if you can) via email Wouldn't it be great if he was overwhelmed with emails? Be sure to tell him he doesn't have to respond! (whoops I better check with im before I give you his email address.. . sorry :(
12. Send him cards: JJ Lehmann
14837 Crestview Avenue West
Rosemount MN 55068
13. Find a boxer who would visit him in the hospital and talk boxing..
14. Get Bruce Springsteen to visit him (when asked who he would like to meet he immediately said "The Boss." Let' s aim high!!!!
15. Get an autographed picture of Paul McCartney (real, not a copy) Again let's aim high!!!!
16. Donate money. JJ will have to move into an apartment or hotel post transplant for 2-3 months. This will be a fincancial burden to him. Remember he does not have a job and receives a small SSI payment each month. His family does not have the financial resources to underwrite this too.
17. Send him virtual love and hugs.
18. If you see him give him hugs (after putting on antibacterial lotion of course!)
19. Hug your loved ones everyday. Tell them you love them.

Open yourself to these thoughts...
20 Give someone the benefit of the doubt...one of my greatest lessons from JJ.....
21. Listen to the oppostion you may learn something... another lesson
22. Leave your own agenda at the door...sometimes it is better to be open to possibilities.. another lesson...
23. God is bigger than any religion...at least my God is and so is JJ's...
24. Life is a gift in grand and in minute ways..
25. Be inspired by JJ... be brave..be loving..be honest...be reverent...be amused..be ....
26. Do someone a favor...give them JJ's blog address...it will put their life into perspective

My love to you all. Linda (JJ's Mom) For not much to say I sure did!