Opting for death

This choice...do not recieve any treatment and simply die within days...weeks, did not seem like an option. That said, there were many times during those first days that I knew I was sick again, before I told anyone, that those very thoughts came to mind. Relapse? Already? How could I go through a transplant and six months later relapse? It just didn't make sense. I was extremely sad. Grief took over me, a darkness I had not felt, though I have been depressed, at least clinically, most of my life. But, I thought things were going fine? All the tests...all of those painful biopsies said that I was 'cured'. How was this happening?
And then, then, I was just pissed. Who the f*** do you think you are leukemia? So, this is what it comes down to again, me and you...again. How dare you invade my life again. How dare you scare my mother and sadden my Sara, how dare you try to take Cammy's uncle away.
This tragic mixture of saddness, grief, and anger was, and sometimes still is, stifiling. Like an emotional, spiritual coma. The chances of beating leukemia again, after I was told that I fought so well last time and did everything I could last time, but 'failed', seemed impossible. I do not think that I ever could have chosen to just do nothing as far as medical treatment at that time, but my thoughts consistently came back to if not cured and not 50 more years, what's the point?
There were many times last battle that I wished for death...begged for death to take me...the pain, the despair was just far too great, too overwhelming. And there were times this time, when my chest hurt and my hips were starting to hurt...bascially when I knew I was sick again, but before it was confirmed by Dr. Moran and Monica, that most of my thoughts were, I cannot do this again. I would rather die than have to feel that sick again. And these thoughts, though not anywhere near dominant, still exist today.
However, this first choice of life/death was simply not acceptable to me at the time. I can now simply see that as the selfish option. I try not to place this judgement on others going through a life-threatening disease and this says absolutely nothing about my opinions on euthanasia (of which I will share later). But, for me, if someone finds out they have cancer or have relapsed and simply throws up their hands and says 'Lord take me'...one is, I was, purely acting for my own well-being. Selfishness is not the way to all-embracing love...it is the way to hurt and pain. For though I may have decreased what would have be and will be temporary pain, the scars I would have left in the hearts of my family and friends, and the confusion I would have brought them hardly seems worth it.
My love,
JJ