It has been a few months since I have said anything. A comment from a beloved nurse down in Boulder reminded me that some still care about me and wish to know how I am doing. Major updates are: I got a new hip. This is the second hip replacement I have had. This time it was the left hip. This surgery went much better. During the surgery on the right hip the doctor split my femur in half. Because of this the recovery was really painful and I was on toe-touch precautions for 6 weeks. This means that I was only allowed to a little bit of pressure on my right leg, basically enough to feel the floor. Fortunately this did not happen on the left. The left was also a surface hip replacement, rather than a 'spike' THR. I can now fully walk on it and the pain has deminshed significantly.
This is not the end of my problems. My knees hurt really bad and my right shoulder is very painful and it cracks when I move it. The problem not on the agenda, however, is my left elbow. It started hurting about 10 months ago, and got much worse about 3 months ago. After several x-rays and MRIs, it was decided that I needed a hemi elbow replacement. This means that they will be replacing the part of the humeral bone closest to the elbow. I have seen two doctors about this. The second one had me get a CT, to see the damage to the surface more closely. I went back today and she said that my scan was impressive. Unfortunately, in ortho-talk this is not good. It showed that the bone has completely collapsed and that there is no round, smooth surface on the bone. She was hoping that the damage wasn't too bad and that we might be able to explore other options than the elbow replacement. There are no other options.
Despite this ruling, I am going to have a third opinion. I will be going down to Mayo next monday to have a surgeon down there look at it. My second doctor, Dr. Adams, trained down there and has said that the Dr. I will be seeing has written the textbook on elbows and elbow replacements. She doesn't think he will say anything else, but she feels it would be well-worth my while to go see him anyways.
On the personal side, Sara and I are still separated and it looks like we will remain so. We actually no longer speak. I am less depressed about it...I guess time does heal all wounds. Though I wouldn't say I am anywhere near healed. The wound is still pussing and bleeding, but a scab has begun to form. I wish I could get an infusion of platelets to help, but alas it doesn't work that way. What doesn't kill you, right?
There are times I really miss her terribly and all I want to do is hear her voice, but I know that this would only make things worse, as I would probably say something stupid. I am no longer in love with her, but I do love her alot. I miss the human touch most. I know that I will get this human touch again, and that is not so much singular to her, but the way that she touched me could sustain the fire of a hundred men for many years. I also miss those quirky things that were unique to her. Her eyes, her smell, her fingers, her ...
I wish that I still had close female friends that I could cuddle with...I am very tactile and not having a little of that human touch, to quote the Boss, is killing me. Any takers? I think my goodest friend S. would say that all guys say shit like this and all they really want is to get in the girl's panys, but I trully just want to sit on a couch with a blanket over each other, legs entwined and read a book, or spoon watching a movie. I would kill to have someone rest their head on my shoulder. I am the man who would hire a prostitute to just cuddle. I haven't don't worry.
I truly miss her family as well. I love them so much and they have been so nice to me (though we did have our problems too I am not trying to revise history). I miss Moe, I miss Joel, and I deeply miss and love Elsa. It breaks my heart that I will never be able to become their son. Something that I wished for deeply. It burns me that some other man will take my 'spot'.
It woould not surprise me if Sara was already dating someone. She is so beautiful and young and intelligent and caring and all-around amazing. But, I don't want to know...I really don't, though I am curious about her life, I don't, DO NOT want to know that she is with someone else. Surmising that she is is very different from knowing. Of course I want her to be happy, but I would hope that the almost seven years we were together would be harder to 'get over' than 6 months. Plus, just the thought of some other guy...makes me want to puke.
As for me, I am nowhere near ready to date. As you can plainly see I am not even close to being 'over' Sara. I also need to figure who I am post-cancer, post-Sara and this has not come easy.
I guess this enough for now. If anyone does happen to see this and you are someone from my past, be it nurse, Dr, friend, classmate, whatever, please let me know how you are by either comment on here or sending me an email at followthebreath@hotmail.com
Thanks and I love you all,
JJ
