Another lonely Friday night

I hate the weekends.  I didn't always hate the weekends.  I used to revel in the debauchery that is the party/drinking nights of collegetown, USA.  That was, I guess, when I was in college.  My weekend started Thursday afternoon and ended, depending on whether I had a test or not, on Sunday night-Monday Morning.  We would often go right from our Thursday night class to The Joynt, most of the time with our professor.  I had fun, a lot of fun.  The most fun I have ever had in my life.  But now, I rarely have fun.  I am sometimes happy and I often laugh--I even make jokes, but I haven't had fun for a long, long time.  The causes of my current state have been well-documented on this blog and on my Caring Bridge site--the cancer, losing Sara, Losing my beloved Tara, and my current chronic pain/AVN disability.  All of these has led to bigtime super fucky depression.

I have always dealt with depression.  My father died when I was 4, and so my childhood was interspersed with episodes of depression.  I have always been internal; I am too much in my mind.  But, this this is the worst I have ever been.  Granted it has gotten better.  There was a time where I honestly did not know whether I would allow mysef to live to see the sunrise the next day. (Though, I do stay up late and rarely ever do see the sunrise, but its a metaphor...relax) 

I do not have very many friends...and several of the friends that I do have live in Wisconsin.  No that's not Timbuktu, but it kind of is when you don't have a car.  I have my family and I typically stay with either Jason or John once or twice during a 4 week span.  But, this is still not a lot of socializing considering that I don't have a job, so I am home a lot.  

I can usually deal with being home on the weeknights because I figure most people are too.  The weekends, though, are supposed to be the time where you go out and be with friends.  And, I, I am here at ten o'clock sitting in bed writing a blog that nobody will ever read.

Summed up--Life really sucks right now.

I guess I am not your typical cancer survivor.