Alone on the path, or am I trapped in my head; or perhaps I a m beggin for attention or just jealous of all the attention Matt is receiving...

But this is my blog and I don't often whine or bitch...however, here we go. I am not sure what the reason, but I have been feeling massivly alone lately...It feels like I barely see my family or what firends I have left, and when I do I am just so tired, or I don;t have anything to say...no plans, no future, no mind for the present, no exciting stories or opportunities to scorn the man.
I am going up north to be with my family as we do once a year. Last in my mind is a blur and kinda sucked because Cam got sick, I was relaspeing, and my love was missing. I know I am afraid of relapsing especially because of the time and the occassion. I am just having a hard time finding what I can offer the world anymore.
In some ways I am very jealous of Matt , as sick as that may seem. I miss the constant attention, where someone cared if my temp fluctuated .1 degree...I miss complaining about the drugs, but most of all I miss feeling the love, though he seems to have monsters more support than I ever did. Tonight I go to bed, unprepared for our journey up North, confused with the world, having my love mad at me and sleeping the opposite way than me and just sad.

jj

PS I am sorry if I pissed anyone off...maybe

Brother on the path

HI,
Some of you may have noticed a sub-adventure going on on the blog. A friend of a friend had been following our story closely and was inspired by our battles. He was so inspired that he decided to get AML and come the U for a Umblical cordblood transplant. (Just kidding about choosing, but he is here). Before he went in, Sara and I got together with him (Matt) and his girlfriend Ellen. On this past wednesday he went into the hospital to start his transplant. He is doing a course of several chemo drugs and several rounds of total body irradiation. On his first radiation, which was saturday morning at 8am, I went with him, along with ellen and his parents. Matt, i hope this is ok to say, but he was a little fearful of the radiation--I think most would be. He took it like a champion and he seems to be doing well so far. My hope is that he will sail through this with minimal side effects.
Though we just met I feel extremely close to Matt and Ellen and I hope we remain friends for many years (decades). Please all of you who have support me and prayed for me, direct your love to Matt too. He is a great guy.

Love,
JJ
PS He has a blog too, but I can't find the address, but as soon as I do I will let you know.
Here is the address http://pimpettforever.blogspot.com/

Children's Museum

Here is Sara, Camy, and I at the Minnesota Children's Museum. I think we are on some Crazy enlarged bug thingy. You can see my shiny, cuboid face caused by prednisone, other than that I love this picture. Sara looks very excited about the whole thing and Camy wants to go explore more.

This Sara and I before Bruce's soundcheck. We were all alone with him during the soundcheck pretty awesome. He played Tunnel of Love for us, but did not play it during the show. The Set list is:Wreck On The Highway
Idiot's Delight
Into The Fire
Devils And Dust
Lonesome Day
Long Time Comin'
Back In Your Arms
For You
Johnny 99
All I'm Thinkin' About
Ain't Got You
One Step Up
Reno
Nothing Man
Thunder Road
The Rising
Darkness On The Edge Of Town
Jesus Was An Only Son
Two Hearts
The New Timer
Matamoros Banks
(encore)
I Wanna Marry You
The Ties That Bind
My Best Was Never Good Enough
The Promised Land
Dream Baby Dream

ahhh, just sit there, is that so hard?

Why can't I sit (meditate)? I have considered my self Buddhist for years and yet I don't sit, I want to...I tell myself everyday that I am going to. I have a beautiful little corner set out for my meditation and prayers. A beautiful altar put together over many years. What is my block? Certainly I had excuses, while I was sick, but ironically, I practiced m,ore in the hospital than I have outside. What are my distractions here...external Sara, Tara (cat), TV (World Cup, Wimbledon, Movies), food, books on and on and on...Internal too many to go into here to private, perhaps, to share with the world. Why not now...b/c I took my sleeping pill and will soon be out. Need Discipline...how do you all do it? No lies. how often do you sit?what makes you get there? how can you help me get there?

I went to a Twins baseball game with my brothers tonight. It was awesome. They won of course 8-2, two homeruns back to back was the highlight. Another was see the Brewers manager get booted out of the game and get up in the face of the umpire. It was like a movie. I have never seen that before.

World Cup predictions: England pulls it together and defeats Portugal 2-1; Brasil handily defeats France 4-2. That's all from the Pitch.

Sara went to go see her Sister Elsa for a few days, so I am alone for the first time in a very long time. It hasn't quite hit me yet, but I am sure once I try to sleep I will just start bawling and end up crying myself to sleep. Just kidding I will miss her though...a little.

That's all for now,
JJ

PS Ellen and Matt I would love to meet with you. I have a clinic appt. on thursday at 11. Is Matt in the Hospital yet? Is he sick, contagious with anything? I am clean. and I could arrange to come earlier if you want. Anything I can do to help, just ask. my email is followthebreath@hotmail.com