But this is my blog and I don't often whine or bitch...however, here we go. I am not sure what the reason, but I have been feeling massivly alone lately...It feels like I barely see my family or what firends I have left, and when I do I am just so tired, or I don;t have anything to say...no plans, no future, no mind for the present, no exciting stories or opportunities to scorn the man.
I am going up north to be with my family as we do once a year. Last in my mind is a blur and kinda sucked because Cam got sick, I was relaspeing, and my love was missing. I know I am afraid of relapsing especially because of the time and the occassion. I am just having a hard time finding what I can offer the world anymore.
In some ways I am very jealous of Matt , as sick as that may seem. I miss the constant attention, where someone cared if my temp fluctuated .1 degree...I miss complaining about the drugs, but most of all I miss feeling the love, though he seems to have monsters more support than I ever did. Tonight I go to bed, unprepared for our journey up North, confused with the world, having my love mad at me and sleeping the opposite way than me and just sad.
jj
PS I am sorry if I pissed anyone off...maybe
6 comments:
Hey, JJ,
I actually check your blog fairly frequently now as I'm back in the office for the summer and am checking Matt's too.
I don't really know you, but reading your entry something comes to mind: it's hard to develop a normal life again after something big happens.
And that's essentially what you're doing, right? You'll probably never be as well as you were pre-cancer, but you've got to find a new normal, and that's weird and hard. And there's always the possibility of a relapse.
This reminds me of other situations at some level: the drama and excitement of going abroad for a semester--then coming home and being changed and a little depressed catching up with everything; the drama of deployment (my honey's in the military so this comes to mind) and finding coping mechanisms--and then having to get used to each other and your habits again; even just having the flu for a week--and then slowly getting better and having to catch up on all the work you missed.
It's like, after the crisis, after the special situation--how do you be normal again? And your friends and family have to figure out that new normal too.
I'm not sure what advice to offer, other than just throwing this out as some perspective. I imagine Sara will forgive you, and I wish you a good trip with your family.
Take care,
Sarah (friend of Ellen and Matt and Dan Fisher)
J.J.: Due to recent travels, I'm very slow on the draw getting a letter off to you so we can start our snail mail correspondence. Je suis désolé. Will have a good newsy letter off to you tomorrow, my friend. Hang in there. With love, Danny
Hey JJ,
How was your trip? (I assume you're gone now and are on your way back this week).
I've long defended your right to bitch. I actually think it would be interesting to discover how much bitching you could do that may actually result in anyone getting upset with you.
Of course, I'm not in your everyday life, so Sarah may not like my suggested experiment. Let's put it this way: You are a long way from exceeding your blog bitching capacity in my estimation.
At any rate, I'm still around, buddy.
Hi JJ,
I'm sure you probably don't remember me, but I met you from working at the Homeless Shelter and I have been following your blog since you started it. I always like it when I see a new posting. The first thing I think is Oh good, he's still alive. Anyway I want you to know that there are lots of people like myself who really do care about you. As far as what do you have to offer the world, I would say you really don't need to offer the world anything. All you have to do is be yourself - oh, and keep posting to your blog at least once a week because we (myself and the rest of your vast web audience) want to hear from you.
Hey JJ,
It's been a long time since I've written. I've been thinking about you and Sara often. Your response is real and honest and there is nothing to feel bad in that. This is the real freakin' deal. Keep writing. Try to sit atleast 10 min. a day. It will give you time to see all the thoughts that are running through your mind and put things in perspective. It's hard feeling like you have to live your life to the fullest, because you stared mortality in the face, and then not have the energy to do it. . . there's bound to be a tremendous amount of mixed, intense emotion.
know that you are loved,
beka
i have followed your blog since before xmas ... have thought about you a great deal this past little while, tho i have been remiss in visiting this here blog.
glad to hear that you are maintaining the delicate balance that is 'homeostasis' at the current. i'm quite sure i need not tell you take the greatest joy in small things ... think of the progress you have made ... your body has made ... in 12 months.
what you are experiencing is one of the things chronically ill individuals face in daily living. re-emergence, from that sickness cocoon, and into life. but life -- it will not be the same.
welcome back to life ... from that pergatory of sickness, chemo, and people dressed in white (lol). you will find your fire ... give yourself some time.
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