A Mother's Ramblings

Hi To All, Finally I have this author thing figured out thanks to Jason (blog name brother). It is early Saturday morning and I have been awake since 3. In the still of the darkness the nightmares are scary and reality becomes clearer without all of the static. My mind goes to places it doesn't want to go. Of course it is always there, but I get distracted with the responsibilities of life. But the truth is there is so much about this experience that is unspeakable. I have been astounded by the eloquence of JJ and his older brother Jason. I have been frustrated with my own inability to put into words how this feels-to try to say something profund that will bring some clarity. But alas, for someone who uses words to inspire others, to reach out to others, I am at a loss. I doubt that I have much wisdom to impart. Others who have walked this path before me could speak far more eloquently than my self.

But here are some stream-of-counsciousness thoughts because I seem unable to articulate my thoughts in any organized way....

JJ is one of the most intentional people I have ever met. There is a lot that goes on inside of him that is not visible...like when he learned to walk..(not once but twice because he badly broke his femur when he was 4) He just got up and walked one day...no lead up to it...just walked. Or when he learned how to ride a bike. He just got on the bike and rode it... no attempts, no falls with skinned knees. No...he just got on the bike and rode it. This was my first insight to the inner life of an introvert. We extroverts like to talk about it, describe it, engage people into conversations about it.... So having said that, it is not by accident that he titles his blog a "journey" and what an incredible journey he is on...and he is taking all of us on this journey with him. So many people who taken the time to visit this blog have commented to me how raw, how honest his reflections are. The fact that he has laid bare this experience for all of us is his badge of courage...he is not only taking himself to unfamiliar places, he is taking all of us who dare go to those places too. He is intensely private as he reminds me everyday. When the Mom in me takes over and wants to demand that he share every detail. The fact that he is sharing his journey with all of us is incredibly courageous for him. But there is something very existential about this experience because ultimately there are parts of it that he must travel alone. We can walk next to him, but he decides the path, the direction, how much/how little he chooses to share. Not easy for a person like me who thrives on being in control. Here's a thought: how much control do we really have? About anything? Just how we travel the journey I guess. When I become outraged at the trivialities of conversations overheard, when envy creeps in as I watch JJ's peers pursuing their dreams, when I witness others going about their lives without much thought about the monsters that lurk in the shadows who can grab you and change your life on a dime I have to take a step back and say to myself this is not a good use of my energy. It is what it is...there will be plenty of time somewhere down the road for reflection, truths, profoundity. This morning Bill and I found the key to our clock so we could wind it up. We celebrated. My first thought was.."This is a great day!" When life is so incredibly painful finding the key to the clock can be a huge blessing!

So when my shadow beckons I try to focus on the truths I have gathered so far...
Life is so damn unfair
Some people really do have more than their share (witness those in New Orleans)
Some people are born to greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them. As JJ's Mom I believe he has both.
This journey is JJ's legacy. He is asking all of us to open ourselves up so that we can be better human beings if he leaves us.
People have asked me "How can you work? How can you go on?" There is really nothing magical about it. We do what we have to do. I have a mortgage and bills just like the rest of you. I have work that needs to get done...so I do it just as you would if it were you. That's what we as humans do...that's all we can do. I have walked this path many times before. It is very familiar. All too familiar. But each time it has a nuance, a new truth.
And then amidst all of this are many blessings: A sweet, gentle spirit named JJ who has taught me things no one ever has, my incredible, courageous children, my life partner whose heart expands each day as he tries to support me and JJ, some life-long friends who hold me up, some loving co-workers, some good-old fashioned Norwegian fortitude (yah sure you betcha) a good therapist, and an inner knowing that somehow we will survive this and add more patina to our battered hearts.

Despite the terror that must lurk in JJ's heart in the middle of the night and the early morning wakings he somehow manages to make me laugh. He always makes our family laugh. And if this wretched disease takes him, who will make us laugh? Perhaps you have appreciated that wry humor as well in his writings. But let me remind all of you- he is so medically fragile, his prognosis is iffy and he is against the ropes (again a boxing metaphor) But the boxer in him has a few more moves and there are a host of us in his corner. God I hate this opponent. You can't look away for a second because it is ready to deliver a knockout blow. So we remain vigilant, we cheer him on, ...

"What can I do?" Dear, dear friends. We understand your helplessness. We feel so woefully inadequate at times ourselves to give you an answer. We don't know what to say. But for those of you who truly want to help here are some thoughts:
1. Donate blood in JJ's name
2. Donate gas cards for Sara (JJ's fiancee) because right now she shuttles betwen Eau Claire and here.
3. Buy parking vouchers for family members who need to be with JJ in the hospital. They are $50. for 30 days.
4. Buy JJ some Kit Kats. He loves them.
5. Get JJ anything chocolate. Sorry no nuts. He is allergic to them now.
6. Donate massages to JJ. Although he will probably be in the hospital this next week. I think they have massage therapists in the hospital. I will have to find that out.
7. Buy the most recent issue of Boxing Digest (can get at Barnes and Noble) I think he has September's issue
8. Donate phone cards for his hospital stay.
9. Get him gift certificates to bookstores. He is a voracious reader.
10. Post something on his blog.
11. Send him your love and encouragement (everyday if you can) via email Wouldn't it be great if he was overwhelmed with emails? Be sure to tell him he doesn't have to respond! (whoops I better check with im before I give you his email address.. . sorry :(
12. Send him cards: JJ Lehmann
14837 Crestview Avenue West
Rosemount MN 55068
13. Find a boxer who would visit him in the hospital and talk boxing..
14. Get Bruce Springsteen to visit him (when asked who he would like to meet he immediately said "The Boss." Let' s aim high!!!!
15. Get an autographed picture of Paul McCartney (real, not a copy) Again let's aim high!!!!
16. Donate money. JJ will have to move into an apartment or hotel post transplant for 2-3 months. This will be a fincancial burden to him. Remember he does not have a job and receives a small SSI payment each month. His family does not have the financial resources to underwrite this too.
17. Send him virtual love and hugs.
18. If you see him give him hugs (after putting on antibacterial lotion of course!)
19. Hug your loved ones everyday. Tell them you love them.

Open yourself to these thoughts...
20 Give someone the benefit of the doubt...one of my greatest lessons from JJ.....
21. Listen to the oppostion you may learn something... another lesson
22. Leave your own agenda at the door...sometimes it is better to be open to possibilities.. another lesson...
23. God is bigger than any religion...at least my God is and so is JJ's...
24. Life is a gift in grand and in minute ways..
25. Be inspired by JJ... be brave..be loving..be honest...be reverent...be amused..be ....
26. Do someone a favor...give them JJ's blog address...it will put their life into perspective

My love to you all. Linda (JJ's Mom) For not much to say I sure did!